Monday, January 14, 2008
My Latest Conspiracy Theory
Kevin and I visited Home Depot at least 4 times over the weekend, and I have developed a crackpot theory about the store. Whenever I go there, I immediately get very dazed and loopy. Maybe it's all the orange, maybe it's all the fluorescent lighting, maybe it's the rows and rows of tools...but you know what I think? I think Home Depot pumps in some kind of gas that subdues women! Under normal circumstances, I would not be able to tolerate watching Kevin contemplate nuts and bolts for 10 minutes, but while under the influence of the vapors, I just stood there, staring off in the distance and thinking happy thoughts. I trailed behind Kevin, aisle after aisle, feeling stoned. I looked around and I don't think that I was the only woman who succumbed to the gas--there were lots of us milling about, allowing our husbands to make all sorts of ridiculous tool purchases with no argument, listening to our husbands talk animatedly with employees and other shoppers about pressure treated lumber, miter saws and grout. Am I upset about being drugged against my will? Not so much! In fact, I really hope that Macy's starts using the same technology on men! I dream of the day when Kevin stands contentedly outside of the dressing room, holding my purse and my purchases, while I try on outfit after outfit. Each time I emerge from the changing room modeling a new garment, Kevin snaps out of his stupor long enough to murmur, "That looks fantastic on you, and it doesn't make you look fat at all!"
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5 comments:
OMG, so funny! I think you're on to something with this theory, Emily! I've experienced the same sense of compliant stupor at the Home Depot---even at Bauhaus, the Scandinavian Home Depot. It's an international conspiracy to silence our objections to the purchase of needless power tools!
If that whole Macy's thing ever starts happening, please let me know. I'll move home immediately!
Hey, my BF-of-sorts LOVES shopping, including Macy's, and can go on forever while *I* go; "that looks fantastic on you...are you done soon"? I've never been to Home Depot though; DIY scares the crap out of me. If I'm ever dragged to one, I sure hope I get stoned the minute I enter the damn place.
Hmmm, I'm not sure I have noticed that effect Emily but I will take your word for it. When we lived in San Francisco I used to visit the Home Depot in Colma just south of the city. SF Gov't wouldn't allow a big box store in town. As a result the store was always incredibly busy and stressful for EVERYONE in the store. One time, when the check-out lines were particularly long, a red-neck builder yelled out at the top of his lungs "where are all the fucking check-out staff" and would not stop until the manager managed to calm him down. Not a relaxing shopping experience - maybe they need new lights and colors.
Hi Em,
You know, I think you're on to something!! I'll have to tell you sometime about our visit(s) to decide on how to remodel our master bath.
Glad you got your furniture finally.
hugs,
Robin
Hmmm, maybe I should start hanging out in Home Depot? I'll just take a lawn chair, a book, and a thermos of tea, and I can spend the afternoon feeling agreeable :)
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