Warning: Extreme Hyperbole Ahead!

According to my doctor, living in Norway almost killed me! I had blood drawn for a routine cholesterol screening, and although my cholesterol is perfect, she found that I have Vitamin D deficiency. The whole time I lived in Norway I took a daily multivitamin and I regularly drank milk, but between the total lack of sunlight during the winter and the chilly, rainy weather this past summer, I was rarely exposed to the sun. Although it is fun to announce that Norway nearly did me in, it's not actually that big of a deal, I just have to take a Vitamin D supplement. My doctor did say that one of the symptoms of a Vitamin D deficiency is fatigue--and all this time I just thought I was extremely lazy! I guess the next time Kevin wants me to help him with some major, exhausting home improvement project, I can just say, "I would love to help, but my vitamin deficiency is getting me down."

The Damn Dogs!

Yesterday I had a long to-do list. After cleaning the house, I had to run to the bank, the post office, the grocery store, Target and finally, the tile store to place my order for our soon to be new-and-improved bathroom. I got home late in the afternoon, tired and ready to spend some quality time on the couch with a book (okay, who am I kidding, People magazine--don't judge me!)
When we aren't at home, we shut the dogs in the bedroom so they don't destroy the house or chase the cats. As I opened the bedroom door to let the dogs out, a strong, menthol-y odor hit me. I looked down and there was a mangled purple plastic cap on the floor, along with a chewed up label...one of the dogs ate an entire tube of Burt's Bees Shea Butter Hand Repair Cream! Both dogs seemed fine, jumping around and wagging their tails in greeting, but Kermit's furry white ruff felt suspiciously sticky. I quickly called the Burt's Bees hotline and was assured that there are no toxic ingredients in the lotion, but the plastic packaging may be a problem. The very nice lady (who did a superb job of not laughing her ass off when I explained the situation) asked how much the dogs weigh and then estimated that the gastrointestinal systems of dogs that large could probably handle the plastic bits. She advised me to feed both dogs a few pieces of bread to help coat the plastic, and then just watch them carefully. I also called my friend Katrina who is a vet (she did not do quite as good a job of not laughing her ass off) and she reassured me that most likely the dogs will be fine, and that there was no reason to rush them to the animal hospital unless I see signs of distress over the next couple of days.
I'm no longer panicked, both dogs seem just fine this morning, but I am still baffled by why they would choose to eat such a strange thing. There are some yummy scented lotions out there which smell like vanilla or berries or caramel, but my tube of Burt's Bees smelled a lot like Vick's Vapor Rub! I didn't buy it for its scent, I bought it for its effective skin moisturizing properties! I also feel really sorry for the guys who are scheduled to build our new deck in the backyard tomorrow. I'm guessing that the shea butter and sesame oil in the lotion are going to have a rather, ahem, unfortunate effect on the dogs' intestines, and the backyard is probably not going to be the most pleasant place to spend time for a few days...I hope the deck builders wear their rubber boots!

After Pictures to Follow in (Hopefully) 4-6 Weeks

Some people spend Easter Sunday at church, some people spend it feasting on ham with pineapple rings, and some people enjoy hunting for eggs in the backyard. Kevin and I spent our day destroying our downstairs bathroom. This was the bathroom before, in all of its tiny shower, wooden toilet seat, dingy tiled glory:
This is how it currently looks, all gutted and water damaged.

We have big plans, though, and hopefully in about 6 weeks, they will all come to fruition. The bathroom is about the size of a postage stamp (seriously, it's 4x8--so teeny!) but I think it will be gorgeous. We decided to go for a '20's-'30's look, so the walls will be tiled with rectangular subway tiles with a tiny blue glass tile mosaic border around the top of the room. We ordered a beautiful pedestal sink with a vintage faucet which should be here within a month. I'm so excited about the room, but it's hard to envision exactly how it will turn out. At this point, the bathroom is a filthy pit of rubble, so there's really nowhere to go but up!

From Awww to Ewww in 2.5 Seconds

Kevin and I have been meeting with a few landscapers this week to get estimates on putting in a new patio in the backyard. This morning, one of the landscapers came over with his portfolio. As we were flipping through it, he pointed out one acreage full of overgrown grasses and explained, "This guy had me plant clover all around his house so the deer would come up to graze." I said, "Awww, what a nice idea!" The landscaper then continued, "So he could shoot the deer from the comfort of his porch!" Eeeewwwww! I think even the most enthusiastic of hunters would agree with me that there is nothing even remotely sportsmanlike about this--it sounds about as challenging (and ethical) as shooting a cow!

If You Enjoy Garden Statues, Avert Your Eyes Now!

The previous owners of our house left a couple of creepy little garden gnomes in the yard, and now that the snow has mostly melted, they have resurfaced. Honey found one of them today and invented a brand new game--gnomeball! The rules of gnomeball go like this:

Grab the gnome by the head and start running while a collie* chases you, barking madly.

Stop and chew on the gnome. When the collie gets too close, growl at him. Continue to chew and growl while the collie jumps around yelping.

Once the gnome's hat is sufficiently chawed up, drop the gnome** and find a stick to play with.

*Yes, the game requires a collie, no other breed will do. Yes, I know this is very specific, I didn't make up the rules, Honey did.

**I know some people go nuts for these disturbing little garden gnomes and are probably horrified I let my dog gnaw on them. If I knew of a "Rehome a Gnome" program, I would participate, but since I don't, I guess the dogs will enjoy many rousing games of Gnomeball this spring.

What The?!?!

Yesterday, the guy behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts gave me a senior discount! What the hell!!! I was gloating just a couple of short months ago about being carded for beer--what happened? I mean, sure, I enjoy discounts, but not when said discount implies that I am 34 years older than I actually am. I guess I have 2 choices: I can either choose to believe that I am looking a bit worn around the edges and totally freak out, or I can choose to believe that this particular Dunkin Donuts employee is actually an escaped mental patient. I shall choose to believe the latter!

Rainwoman

Last night, Kevin returned home after work and told me that his boss had asked him if we would consider moving to China for 6-9 months so Kevin could oversee the relocation of the Singapore operations to the Chinese facility. After repeating the conversation with his boss to me, Kevin asked me, "So what do you think?" I lunged at him, grabbed him around the neck and started strangling him until he finally gurgled, "It's ok, we don't have to move again, I'm sorry I brought it up!"
I'm obviously exaggerating a bit. In reality, all the blood drained from my face, I felt dizzy, and I started stammering like Rainman, "China definitely won't have my favorite TV shows, definitely no "Lost," I definitely won't be able to eat my favorite foods, definitely no margaritas and burritos, and we definitely can't take the animals with us." I think Kevin realized that the idea of moving again (halfway around the world, no less) was enough to send me careening toward a padded cell, so he quickly assured me that he had no interest in taking on the project, and he was just as shocked and horrified as I was that his boss would even suggest that we disrupt our life so dramatically.
I was still feeling a little twitchy after our talk, so I decided some retail therapy was in order. We bought some gorgeous new patio furniture and an outdoor fire pit. The shopping spree made me feel much better, but I did mutter, "We definitely don't want to leave our lake house this summer, we definitely wouldn't have a patio with comfy furniture, a cozy fire pit and amazing lake views in China!" all the way home.

At Least I Didn't Lose a Tooth

Some people exude grace, poise and elegance...if you have been reading my little blog for awhile, you know that I am not one of those people! I was vacuuming the sofa this morning when the upholstery attachment flew off of the wand, then the wand snapped back and cracked me in the face. Blood filled my mouth as I raced to the bathroom to assess the damage. Thankfully all my teeth were still firmly rooted in my gums, but my lips were swollen and sporting a couple of nasty, bleeding gashes. So pretty! I think that if anyone asks me what happened to my mouth, I'm just going to tell them it was a botched collagen injection. That sounds a little more glamorous than, "The Dyson kicked my ass!"

Snowed In

A couple of friends were supposed to come over for brunch this morning, but since we received about 14 inches of snow overnight (and it is still snowing hard) they had to cancel. Now we're stuck in our freshly cleaned house with tons of yummy breakfast foods, the Sunday paper and a Tivo full of unwatched TV shows...if I was a cat, I'd be purring right now!

Eek!

The good news: Kevin is back from Norway, and he'll get to stay in the U.S. for a whopping 3 weeks before leaving for his next trip.
The bad news: A couple of days ago, I stumbled and dropped and broke the very nice, very expensive digital camera Kevin got me for my birthday last July. I haven't told him yet, and am not looking forward to his reaction.
I think I need one of those digital cameras designed for children--Fisher Price or bust (literally) for me! Seriously, the cost of an item is inversely proportional to the length of time it takes for me to destroy said item. And Kevin wonders why my adorable, shiny red VW Bug sits in the garage all the time while I toodle around town in our old station wagon!

NYC

New York was fun and kind of crazy, and now I need a nap! We stayed at the Millenium Broadway Hotel, steps away from Broadway and Times Square. We had a gorgeous corner room on the 30th floor--this was our view:

And all of this madness was just around the corner from our hotel:

On Friday evening, we met up with Kari and her husband John for dinner at a vegan restaurant called Zen Palate...oh my God...best food EVER! Even our meat loving friends thought the food was fantastic. I may have inadvertently made happy little yummy noises as I gobbled my mushroom forest entree. Later, we waddled off to see Clay Aiken and company in "Spamalot." Kevin and I thought it was hilarious, but Kari and John were a little baffled by the coconuts, the killer rabbit and the general goofiness.

After the show, we braved the freezing rain to savor frozen hot chocolates at Serendipity. I immediately went into a giddy, chocolatey trance (or a diabetic coma, whatever) but Kevin thought the frosty drinks tasted like glorified Ovaltine. (That didn't stop him from polishing off every last drop, though!) We all refrained from ordering the $1000 frozen hot chocolate, which contains 24 karat gold. Does anyone actually ever buy one? I find it hard to believe that even the richest of people have a desire to gild their intestines, but I could be wrong.

The next morning we met Kevin's friend from college, Michelle, for brunch at Norma's. She ordered the chocolate French toast, which is basically thick, gooey slabs of chocolate cake marketed as breakfast food. I indulged a bit with an asparagus and lobster omelette. We kind of laughed about how decadent it was to eat lobster and chocolate cake at 9 AM until we realized that Norma's also has a $1000 menu item, a fritatta made with 10 oz. of some kind of special caviar. Suddenly, our lobster and cake meal seemed like an exercise in restraint!

After brunch, we walked off a small percentage of the calories we consumed at MOMA. I was really excited to see Van Gogh's "Starry Night" up close and personal--I loved the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, but I was so disappointed that "Starry Night" wasn't on display there. I'm not generally all that interested in art, so once I got the chance to see my favorite painting, I was ready to go. We did wander around a bit longer, and now I know that I enjoy Kandinsky's work more than Picasso's...who knows what stunning revelation I'll have the next time I set foot in an art museum?

We had planned to be cheesy tourists and skate at Rockefeller Center, but the rink was closing as we arrived, so we had to settle for a photo op instead. Since my head still looks like it was licked by cows (bonus points if you know what sitcom that line is from), I let Kevin and Michelle do the posing while I hid behind the camera.

With our dreams of skating dashed, we decided to drink. We took the subway way down into the financial district so we could have drinks at a pub frequented by George Washington, the Fraunces Tavern. I thought this cute old neighborhood, dwarfed by skyscrapers, was photo worthy:

And here's a picture of the Fraunces Tavern:

It is allegedly haunted, but although we diligently drank and drank and waited for ghosts, none appeared.

Later, we met Kari, John and a couple of their friends for dinner at the Carnegie Deli. I know it's kind of a landmark in New York, but honestly, I was grossed out by the size of the food. Pastrami piled a foot high is kind of icky! I tried blintzes for the first time...they were okay, but they can't compare to frozen hot chocolate.

Kevin and I arrived back in Syracuse at 2:30 this afternoon, and at 4:00 he had to return to the airport and fly to Oslo, poor guy! I'm really happy to be home, and although I had fun in New York, it's wonderful to look out of my windows and see the lake and trees and squirrels instead of flashing neon lights. (The dearth of honking horns and cabbies swearing at each other is also a welcome change of pace!)

And finally, your reward for reading the whole rambling account of my trip...a picture of my terrible hair. (Ignore the buggy eyes and chubby cheeks and the fact that all my "America's Next Top Model" viewing was for naught as I have no neck in this photo, and instead focus on the crazy feathering effect going on. Seriously, I have no idea what I should do with it, I'm just grateful that it grows really fast!)