Warning: Extreme Hyperbole Ahead!

According to my doctor, living in Norway almost killed me! I had blood drawn for a routine cholesterol screening, and although my cholesterol is perfect, she found that I have Vitamin D deficiency. The whole time I lived in Norway I took a daily multivitamin and I regularly drank milk, but between the total lack of sunlight during the winter and the chilly, rainy weather this past summer, I was rarely exposed to the sun. Although it is fun to announce that Norway nearly did me in, it's not actually that big of a deal, I just have to take a Vitamin D supplement. My doctor did say that one of the symptoms of a Vitamin D deficiency is fatigue--and all this time I just thought I was extremely lazy! I guess the next time Kevin wants me to help him with some major, exhausting home improvement project, I can just say, "I would love to help, but my vitamin deficiency is getting me down."

The Damn Dogs!

Yesterday I had a long to-do list. After cleaning the house, I had to run to the bank, the post office, the grocery store, Target and finally, the tile store to place my order for our soon to be new-and-improved bathroom. I got home late in the afternoon, tired and ready to spend some quality time on the couch with a book (okay, who am I kidding, People magazine--don't judge me!)
When we aren't at home, we shut the dogs in the bedroom so they don't destroy the house or chase the cats. As I opened the bedroom door to let the dogs out, a strong, menthol-y odor hit me. I looked down and there was a mangled purple plastic cap on the floor, along with a chewed up label...one of the dogs ate an entire tube of Burt's Bees Shea Butter Hand Repair Cream! Both dogs seemed fine, jumping around and wagging their tails in greeting, but Kermit's furry white ruff felt suspiciously sticky. I quickly called the Burt's Bees hotline and was assured that there are no toxic ingredients in the lotion, but the plastic packaging may be a problem. The very nice lady (who did a superb job of not laughing her ass off when I explained the situation) asked how much the dogs weigh and then estimated that the gastrointestinal systems of dogs that large could probably handle the plastic bits. She advised me to feed both dogs a few pieces of bread to help coat the plastic, and then just watch them carefully. I also called my friend Katrina who is a vet (she did not do quite as good a job of not laughing her ass off) and she reassured me that most likely the dogs will be fine, and that there was no reason to rush them to the animal hospital unless I see signs of distress over the next couple of days.
I'm no longer panicked, both dogs seem just fine this morning, but I am still baffled by why they would choose to eat such a strange thing. There are some yummy scented lotions out there which smell like vanilla or berries or caramel, but my tube of Burt's Bees smelled a lot like Vick's Vapor Rub! I didn't buy it for its scent, I bought it for its effective skin moisturizing properties! I also feel really sorry for the guys who are scheduled to build our new deck in the backyard tomorrow. I'm guessing that the shea butter and sesame oil in the lotion are going to have a rather, ahem, unfortunate effect on the dogs' intestines, and the backyard is probably not going to be the most pleasant place to spend time for a few days...I hope the deck builders wear their rubber boots!

After Pictures to Follow in (Hopefully) 4-6 Weeks

Some people spend Easter Sunday at church, some people spend it feasting on ham with pineapple rings, and some people enjoy hunting for eggs in the backyard. Kevin and I spent our day destroying our downstairs bathroom. This was the bathroom before, in all of its tiny shower, wooden toilet seat, dingy tiled glory:
This is how it currently looks, all gutted and water damaged.

We have big plans, though, and hopefully in about 6 weeks, they will all come to fruition. The bathroom is about the size of a postage stamp (seriously, it's 4x8--so teeny!) but I think it will be gorgeous. We decided to go for a '20's-'30's look, so the walls will be tiled with rectangular subway tiles with a tiny blue glass tile mosaic border around the top of the room. We ordered a beautiful pedestal sink with a vintage faucet which should be here within a month. I'm so excited about the room, but it's hard to envision exactly how it will turn out. At this point, the bathroom is a filthy pit of rubble, so there's really nowhere to go but up!

From Awww to Ewww in 2.5 Seconds

Kevin and I have been meeting with a few landscapers this week to get estimates on putting in a new patio in the backyard. This morning, one of the landscapers came over with his portfolio. As we were flipping through it, he pointed out one acreage full of overgrown grasses and explained, "This guy had me plant clover all around his house so the deer would come up to graze." I said, "Awww, what a nice idea!" The landscaper then continued, "So he could shoot the deer from the comfort of his porch!" Eeeewwwww! I think even the most enthusiastic of hunters would agree with me that there is nothing even remotely sportsmanlike about this--it sounds about as challenging (and ethical) as shooting a cow!

If You Enjoy Garden Statues, Avert Your Eyes Now!

The previous owners of our house left a couple of creepy little garden gnomes in the yard, and now that the snow has mostly melted, they have resurfaced. Honey found one of them today and invented a brand new game--gnomeball! The rules of gnomeball go like this:

Grab the gnome by the head and start running while a collie* chases you, barking madly.

Stop and chew on the gnome. When the collie gets too close, growl at him. Continue to chew and growl while the collie jumps around yelping.

Once the gnome's hat is sufficiently chawed up, drop the gnome** and find a stick to play with.

*Yes, the game requires a collie, no other breed will do. Yes, I know this is very specific, I didn't make up the rules, Honey did.

**I know some people go nuts for these disturbing little garden gnomes and are probably horrified I let my dog gnaw on them. If I knew of a "Rehome a Gnome" program, I would participate, but since I don't, I guess the dogs will enjoy many rousing games of Gnomeball this spring.

What The?!?!

Yesterday, the guy behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts gave me a senior discount! What the hell!!! I was gloating just a couple of short months ago about being carded for beer--what happened? I mean, sure, I enjoy discounts, but not when said discount implies that I am 34 years older than I actually am. I guess I have 2 choices: I can either choose to believe that I am looking a bit worn around the edges and totally freak out, or I can choose to believe that this particular Dunkin Donuts employee is actually an escaped mental patient. I shall choose to believe the latter!

Rainwoman

Last night, Kevin returned home after work and told me that his boss had asked him if we would consider moving to China for 6-9 months so Kevin could oversee the relocation of the Singapore operations to the Chinese facility. After repeating the conversation with his boss to me, Kevin asked me, "So what do you think?" I lunged at him, grabbed him around the neck and started strangling him until he finally gurgled, "It's ok, we don't have to move again, I'm sorry I brought it up!"
I'm obviously exaggerating a bit. In reality, all the blood drained from my face, I felt dizzy, and I started stammering like Rainman, "China definitely won't have my favorite TV shows, definitely no "Lost," I definitely won't be able to eat my favorite foods, definitely no margaritas and burritos, and we definitely can't take the animals with us." I think Kevin realized that the idea of moving again (halfway around the world, no less) was enough to send me careening toward a padded cell, so he quickly assured me that he had no interest in taking on the project, and he was just as shocked and horrified as I was that his boss would even suggest that we disrupt our life so dramatically.
I was still feeling a little twitchy after our talk, so I decided some retail therapy was in order. We bought some gorgeous new patio furniture and an outdoor fire pit. The shopping spree made me feel much better, but I did mutter, "We definitely don't want to leave our lake house this summer, we definitely wouldn't have a patio with comfy furniture, a cozy fire pit and amazing lake views in China!" all the way home.